<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You might want to change that.The Father?s getting aroused.
Hello, this is the opening of the screenplay I've been working on for quite a long time now. I'd like to post the first act, because I feel there's some rewriting to be done in there, but I'll give you this first and see if you want to read more.
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FADE IN
INT. CHURCH ? CONFESSIONAL BOX - NIGHT
A FATHER is waiting. Light?s flickering from the few candles above the box.
Someone ENTERS the confession seat. The door closes with a loud BANG.
The Father waits for the bolt to open ?-
Nothing.
FATHER
Yes?
The bolt slides OPEN and reveals ?-
TODD ELGAN
A large, skinny male in his young twenties, covered in darkness. He takes a look at the Father, and then relaxes.
FATHER
Do you have a confession to make, my son?
Todd grabs a piece of paper, searches for his pencil and then writes down some words. He hands it over through a slit.
THE PIECE OF PAPER
?I can?t talk?
The Father responds in writing back with his pen. Hands it over through the slit.
Todd reads it. Sighs. Writes something down. Hands it back over.
THE PIECE OF PAPER
?I can?t talk.?
?I am sorry to hear that?
?My ears are just fine and dandy?
FATHER
Oh ehm?
(recovers)
What was the last time you confessed?
THE PIECE OF PAPER
?Few years ago.?
FATHER
Do you have any confessions to make?
PIECE OF PAPER
?Not really?
FATHER
What do you mean, ?not really??
PIECE OF PAPER
?Not here to confess. Just sorry?
The Father frowns when reading this.
FATHER
Sorry? for what?
PIECE OF PAPER
a dead WINGED stick figure with a sword chopped into his head.
FATHER
What? What are you talking about? Who are you? What is this?
PIECE OF PAPER
The drawing is expanded with another stick figure holding the sword. An arrow pointed at it saying ?Me?.
The Father?s getting agitated.
FATHER
Listen? son, I don?t know what you?re trying to pull off here, but you shouldn?t dishonor God in his own house. Don?t make silly jokes like that. It is very unwise of you to do something like that, especially since there --
PIECE OF PAPER
?Shh?
The Father gives up and leaves the confession box. He heads towards the altar and SCARES! He sees ?-
A DEAD ANGEL. Head split in two, HANGING at the wall ?Jesus-like? with the remains of his wings PIERCED.
Todd walks out towards the Father. He wears a long black robe, a hilt of a big sword seen above his shoulder. He drops a piece of paper before the Father.
PIECE OF PAPER
?You can stop praying?
FATHER
(Todd walking away)
You? you are not human!
Todd stops. The Father struck his right cord. A tense silence between the two and then ?
Todd walks out of the church, into the darkness.
And out of nowhere comes a leprechaun and dances the hornpipe.
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 09, 2003 09:55 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font>
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">You might want to change that.The Father?s getting aroused.
i dunno if tenor is a suitable term for the formality of a film in the same way it is when you analyse written texts.... but the tenor seems weird in this. One hand you have this dark gothic image of a angel but you have a guy who cant talk who draws stick men, it just doesnt gel somehow. Unless you are going for something surreal.
The Father being arroused bit needs changing straight away. It just gives completely the wrong message.
On a more positive note... the whole angel and sword thing sounds intriguing. I would like to know what its all about... so in that respect the opening sequence works.
i like it...apart from the unfortunate use of the word "aroused" [img]wink.gif[/img]
reminds me of terry pratchett.
Ok, never thought of 'arroused'. But of course you all know I mean agitated.
And as for the stick figures, I thought it showed a little humanity and a showed a bit of character as well as it breaks the 'boringdom of reading what he writes the whole time'.
what happens next??
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">[img]confused.gif[/img]And out of nowhere comes a leprechaun and dances the hornpipe.
and if by majic the shop keeper appears .....
I think its got potential but it may be just the way you written it, but i think to pull that off it needs to be more "straight" in the sub text.
Ok ok, I keep making really stupid jokes but no one keeps getting them...
the leprechaun... is just a joke. DOesn't belong there. I will stop doing things like that now.
But for the opening, how did you like it? Did it like, intrigue you? Want to know more? What happens next? GOt a feeling of what Todd wants?
I keep distracting you fellas with my 'thingeys'....
does todd want forgiveness for being on the baddie side of the eternal struggle between good and evil?? is that what he is part of? does he wish he could switch sides, like he's a fallen angel who regrets it but god won't take him back?? or was the angel that we just saw not a real angel? is todd actually a goodie?
that's just what i got from reading it, tell me if i'm completely wrong.
by the way, i love all gothic imagery, especially the dead angel, i think you have a really good vision of what the tone of your thing is gonna be. but there was one thing...i know that it must be important to the plot that todd can't talk but i'm not sure if having him keep writing stuff works for the very opening of your thing, then again the more i think about it actually maybe it does...the lady from the piano has to write stuff (BUT i think in the very first scene you hear the voice in her head)...ok, i'm getting off the point. i think it really has potential...
one other thing though...we don't know much about todd's character yetbut if he IS some immortal being maybe he should have a more etheral name...todd is kind of modern, it reminds me of a surfer...
ok, you don't have to listen to me at all. i might have read your opening completely wrong. but good luck with it and everything, keep writing it cos i wanna hear more...
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